author’s note chapter 1.5
Posted by jeanne
i haven’t really gotten any comments. there are people reading it regularly, or it’s getting sent to their inboxes anyway, and my ex admits to having tried to read it. but it’s too wordy, says he. so, it’s good to know. i told him wait for the edit.
edits are great, because you have some distance on them, and have had time to get over your pride at having written it so that you can see it with an objective mind.
when i’m writing, i’m all caught up in the sound of it in my head. i’m not paying that much attention to how succinct i’m being. what i’m really doing, i confess, is just letting the characters ramble on and trying to steer the section in the direction the outline says it should go. but it happens immediately, and it happens consistently, that every time i sit down to write a section, the events and dialog unfold differently than i’d pictured the scene, even right before sitting down to write it. when i’m faced with the actuality of what i am writing, and all the fuzziness in my head has to be tightened up until it’s sharp enough to write. and then it’s definite, with its own arc and personality, and in order to change it i have to rewrite it, because it’s born, and you can’t change it as easily as when it’s still just a mass of ideas.
in quantum physics, this is called a wave-function collapse. before something is observed, it exists in all possible conditions at once, as a probability. it’s not actually real; it’s virtual. but when it is observed, the observer sees one thing, not millions of things. we think when we observe something that it’s been there forever, but it only existed as an idea until we actually observed it. before i write a scene, there are hundreds of ways to write it. but after i’ve written it, there is only one, unless i repeat the experiment to get, perforce, a different result.
i think that’s really funny, because i’m doing my damnedest to learn quantum physics for this story, and here i am working with it every day without even knowing it. hahahaha.
anyway, as far as being wordy, i’ll admit it. my family tends to be chatty. and when i come to the end of the chapter and go to edit it, i’ll get to pull all these sections and see what i want to keep, what i can afford to strip out, and what sounds better than the clunky way i put it the first time. that’s why you might want to wait until i publish it as a chapter, because it’ll be a bit more polished and there won’t be any accidental spelling errors.
yesterday i notified the hosting organization of this blog that my story contains mature themes, namely sex. This has several consequences, the main one being that the tags i’m putting on the blog won’t be indexed for public search.
but this is also YOUR notice that this story has mature themes, mature language, explicit sex, bdsm. all that. it’s 50 shades meets hunger games. and there’ll be lots of sex, too. graphic. vanilla sex and kinky sex, but nothing cruel, no rape, no torture except the consensual type that ends in hugs and kisses, nothing you wouldn’t (think about) do(ing) yourself. and none of the sex is really gratuitous, because sex is one of the paths to transformation, and i’m exploring that here.
in basing my characters on people i know, which is what i always do, there are certain people i know whose lives would never be made more credible by putting them in as fictitious characters. what i mean is that they’re too psychopathic to believe, and i can’t write them without resorting to caricature, which i don’t really like to do. real people are so much more interesting. For instance, the girl is modelled kind of on me, kind of on one of my sisters, and kind of on my kid. and fairy is modelled kind of on me, and kind of on a good friend of mine who is into the same things as fairy. these are the two women characters in the story (except for the tertiary characters, most of whom are women). as such, they are iconic. and my experience of women is very three dimensional, and the idea of writing a simplistic, one-dimensional character is totally boring, so i’m making them as much like real people as i can. but when i get down and analyze the real women i’m basing my characters on, i come across really tangled constellations of factors that make them what they are, and they are too complex to put into a story like this one. plus i’m not really interested in exposing all the things that make them psychopathic in real life. so i have to trim vast amounts of my real models in order to get to the characters.
for instance, the lying. one of my models can’t tell the truth if you point a gun at her, while swearing up and down that everything she says is absolutely the truth. and this is because she’s a total narcissist, and everything revolves around her, and something becomes true simply because it suits her current scheme. how do you put that in a book without tons of explanation? which is too bad, because it’s really very entertaining to witness the constant fabrication of reality. but my readers (should there ever be any) would only be confused by the charm and fail to recognize the lies, just like all of my model’s victims.
anyway, these are the things that occur to me as i’m writing my first chapter. i’ve still got a few sections to go, and then i’ll edit and rewrite the whole thing as one chapter. you’ll see bits and pieces of it here in the daily posts, but it will also be published on its own when it’s finished.